No, this is not an exposé about Sherlock Holmes overdosing on vitamins.  But it is a commentary about vitamins and other nutritional supplements guaranteed to improve your mental acuity, your energy level, your ability to stay awake past 7:30 PM and your overall quality of life or your money back, as seen on TV!

As one who watches entirely too much television and isn’t inclined to channel surf when a commercial interrupts my favorite Law and Order rerun, I tend to notice the advertisements.  And perhaps it’s because I’ve just added another candle to my cake that I’ve become acutely aware of the growing number of attractive-sounding nutritional titles that will restore just about everything my last bunch of birthdays left wanting.

And who doesn’t want a miracle? A miracle dangled before our eyes and ears by an $80 billion dollar a year industry.

So, with nothing to lose except money I could have spent on a spa weekend, I have decided to invest in one or more of these encapsulated fountains of youth.  The dilemma is, how to select which will be most beneficial for a body that is older than I am?

After much deliberation, here is my personal short list of OTC choices:

AG 1:  One scoop of the green stuff dissolved in the liquid of my choice promises that I will feel more energized and focused first thing in the morning, a serious temptation for one that does not come alive until after the second mugful of strong black coffee.

Prevagen:  One capsule in the morning will improve brain health, memory, concentration, and overall ability to think more clearly.  Perhaps the latter will aid me in figuring out what to do with all the new-found morning energy.

Super Beets/Super Grapes:  Normal blood pressure, improved blood flow, heart-healthy energy are but a few of the benefits of just two-a-day of these purple gummies.  And, if you add its first cousin, Super Grapes you will boost the production of your nitrous oxide.  And I ask you, can anyone really have too much nitrous oxide? Whatever that is.

Qunol Tumeric:  Just 3 capsules daily will improve your joint health, cardiovascular health, and immune system.  Tumeric is also a spice that is common in Asian cooking.  What I fear they are not telling you is that you will smell like the inside of a NYC taxicab.  Requires further investigation.

Qunol Magnesium:  Add 2 capsules of magnesium to your daily regiment and you’ll be amazed at the improvement in your nerve, bone, and muscle health.  I remember magnesium from high school chemistry.  I’m not sure how I feel about swallowing something with an atomic number!  (Caveat:  please note that magnesium is also the primary ingredient in some popular laxatives!)

Osteo Biflex:  If your goal is joint health, you might consider adding one tablet of Osteo Biflex.  And if you really want to go for it, try two tablets of the Triple Strength version.

Balance of Nature:  Imagine my shock at being told by a voice-over that I wasn’t getting enough fruits and vegetables in my daily diet!  But this deficiency could be easily remedied by purchasing two bottles of powdered produce packed into capsules.  Taking only three capsules from the bottle marked fruits, and three more from the bottle marked vegetables will alleviate my guilt and compensate for my lousy dietary habits.  And for a mere $89.95 my energy can be restored to pre-menopausal levels.

So, which of the above is best for me?  If I decide to improve my brain, will I be sacrificing my joints?  To increase my energy level do I have to forego heart health and blood pressure?

What if I took all of them?  Swallow 18 pills a day washed down with a tall glass of green stuff.  Will I really reap all the benefits described above, or will the only outcome be a very expensive pee? Will I sound like a baby’s rattle when I walk? And what will I do with all this excess energy? It sounds exhausting.

Perhaps I need more time to figure this out.  In the interim, I wonder:  What would Sherlock do?

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